Plumbing

As the last of the Mushroom Rangers to be involved in Red Mushroom Man’s plan to uplift the spirits of his friend Marion, and given how that plan had been derailed by Princess Plum’s intention to join the quest, I knew it was my job to make sure everything went ahead smoothly.

I waited nervously in the throne room, while Green Mushroom Man attended to the princess’s every need. Usually, Princess Plum was dressed in a deep red dress that complemented her pale skin and gold crown. Today, however, she wore a much more practical outfit that included tall boots, black trousers and a maroon and gold leather jacket.

Finally, the doors to the throne room swung open. Marion the plumber entered the room, escorted by Pink Mushroom Girl. His red and blue jumpsuit seemed to capture the light that shone through the windows, giving him an odd, heroic aura. Red Mushroom Man had claimed Marion was the best plumber for blocked drains. Fairfield, Toorak, Prahran – it didn’t matter which. If there was a suburb with drain problems, Marion the plumber was there to save the day. From the shine of his boots to the sparkle in his blue eyes, I believed it with every fibre of my mushroom body.

Marion knelt down before the princess and bowed his head. “Princess Plum, I am honoured to be here before you. Pink Mushroom Girl has told me many tales of your excellence. She has also informed me of your giant, fire-breathing turtle problem. Please, allow me to be of assistance. I once completed a drain unblocking around Essendon so horrible that this will be a mere walk in the park.”

“I do not doubt your bravery, nor your skill, plumber Marion,” said the princess. “However, the time of the Fungus Kingdom relying on plumbers to do our dirty work is over. This task is mine to complete. That said, you are welcome to join me, if you wish.”

Marion raised his head, looking the princess in the eyes. “Then join you I will.”

The princess grinned. “Let us be Plum and plumber together, then. Trowser won’t even know what hit him.”

– Yellow Mushroom Man

My minions have been doing an excellent job spying on the Fungus Kingdom, lately. In fact, they have even picked up some intel that suggests Princess Plum has formed an alliance with a lowly plumber from Melbourne. Well, I don’t care how many blocked drains in the Camberwell area this guy has dealt with – he’s no match for me! I’ll tear him limb from limb without breaking a sweat, and then I’ll deal with that Princess Plum. 

Seriously, who do they think they are, trying to stop me? I’ve got an army of turtles, corrupted mushroom guys, skeleton turtles, evil plants and flying turtles. Okay, it’s a lot of turtles, I know, but I am the turtle king! If Princess Plum and this plumber are going to get in my way, they’ll need more than a few power-ups and extra lives. Sure, my ancestors have always been stopped by someone from a Melbourne business for blocked drains, but that won’t be the case this time. 

You know why? I have no reason to fear this plumber because I already know all the secrets of his trade. Years ago, I captured a Melbourne drain professional, knowing this very day would come. While in my dungeons, Lui G has been more than cooperative in teaching me how to defeat the more powerful plumbers who might get in my way someday. As for the princess, she has absolutely no experience going on quests to save her kingdom, so I’m not the slightest bit concerned about her.

The great thing about having my own personal plumber captive in the dungeons of my floating lava island castle is that whenever I do have a plumbing issue, such as a blocked sewer, I can just get him to take a look at it. My minions are constantly putting things down the drain that aren’t supposed to go there. It can get pretty frustrating, but as long as I have Lui G around, it’s not a huge problem.

Anyway, it’s probably time I go frighten some penguins and steal their power stars.

– Trowser