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The Falling Spy

 

 

 

 

 

 

My life as a spy came to a halt after the fall. One moment, I was a high-flying mission commander, and the next, I was an embarrassed and shamed husk of a man – and to make matters worse, I lost my commander title too. It was my fault that the mission had failed, so there was nobody else to blame when the news appeared in the spy system. Nobody in my team had done anything wrong; they were simply following orders. No, the blame rested squarely on my shoulders. And so did the injury that I succumbed to during the fall. I’d gone to the best podiatrist clinics Cheltenham had to offer, but still, it seemed that nothing could be done to fix my foot. I had landed on it during the fall, and since it was from such a great height, my foot completely shattered underneath me. At one point it seemed like I would have to get a prosthetic, and I would have to deal with not only the loss of my career but also the loss of my foot. But despite my fall from grace, I was still part of the spy network and still had access to the best medical talent the world had to offer. Bit by bit, I was able to walk again. I started off in physical therapy to get my foot moving again. They would push and pull it so the muscle in my leg could reconnect and move properly alongside my foot. Once I could move it of my own accord, I started using crutches to walk through the hallways of the hospital. It took so long to get better that at one point I wondered what the side effects of wearing circulation socks were since I had been wearing them for so long. Surely there was some sort of side effect I was missing, and maybe in a decade, I’d grow a third arm. But the doctors and podiatrists insisted they were necessary, and slowly but surely I was beginning to walk again. However, my life as a spy was still up in the air.

Walking Getting Better

 

 

 

 

 

 

It seemed like every day, my only role was to practise walking. I had strolled through the hallways of the underground spy hospital so many times that I had memorised every thin crack or mark along the cement walls. It wasn’t a good place to be. The hospital was sparsely populated, as spy injuries were so rare in modern times. The only other people I saw were doctors and podiatrists. I wasn’t allowed above ground – even though it had been months since I failed my mission and let down my entire team, I was still being sequestered away from the other spies in case I compromised information. I don’t often get hurt or offended, but I was indignant when my boss sat me down to tell me that little tidbit. I’d been a spy for three decades, and part of my current organisation for two of those. Surely they trusted me now. Up until this point, every mission I had been part of or commanded had been a raging success. The information I had gleaned as a spy was priceless. It had saved lives, changed the course of international politics, and made the world better for millions of people. Why was I being treated like a common civilian? Part of me wondered if it was simply my injury, the fact that I had to wear gel toe and shoe pads over the outside of my shoes. Maybe I was being treated differently because I could no longer work in the same way as other spies. But then I remembered: how many failed spies had I seen working at my organisation? None. There were none, in the two decades I had been working here. When a spy failed, they simply disappeared. As I hobbled through the halls, pondering my fate, my footsteps echoed loudly. An anxious gnawing began in my stomach, the first anxiety I had felt since I fell over that cliff, the first since the best foot specialist in Cheltenham told me I may never walk again. But I pushed both of those thoughts aside. I had always overcome every odd that I had faced. Before the fall, I was one of the world’s best spies. I had to get back there.

Duck Tub

Ducky was a happy little duck who lived on a farm with all his animal friends. One of Ducky’s favourite things to do was splash around in the bathtub the farmer had installed for the animals, but he always found it challenging to climb into. The bathtub was simply too tall for Ducky, and he always had to rely on his friends to help him get in and out.

Eventually, Ducky decided that enough was enough, and demanded that the farmer come up with a solution to this dreadful problem. Now, the farmer was a kind man who loved all of his animals, and he remained patient even in the face of Ducky’s demands. He promised to find a solution to the problem and began wondering about the cost of a bathtub remodel.

After some research, the farmer found a team of experts who had plenty of experience with bathtub remodels. They were from the most popular bathtub conversion business Sydney had to offer, so he knew he’d found the perfect solution. The bathtub conversion company decided to send out their carpenter, since this would be a special job. The carpenter, Tom, came to the farm and made a plan to make a new bathtub that would be the perfect size for Ducky.

Tom worked hard for days, using his creativity and skills to make one of the finest bathtubs any of them would ever see. He even made sure to incorporate some fun features like a water slide and a little ramp that would help Ducky climb up.

When the bathtub was ready, the farmer and Ducky’s friends gathered around to watch Ducky try it out. Ducky waddled up the ramp and got into the bathtub, splashing around and even trying the waterslide out.

Unfortunately for Ducky, the farmer wasn’t as kind as the animals had believed, after all. See, he had hatched a plan for revenge after Ducky’s rude demands. While Ducky played in the water, he didn’t realise that it was beginning to heat up until it was too late. 

The farmer ate quite well that night.

Mouse House

Melbourne was a bustling city with towering buildings and endless alleyways that housed all kinds of creatures. Amongst these was a small mouse, who had been living in a tiny hole under the floorboards of a popular café. However, the mouse had always dreamt of having a proper home in Melbourne – one that was secure, comfortable and, most importantly, safe from nasty cats.

One day, while scavenging for food, the mouse overheard a conversation between a group of people about buying houses in the city. Intrigued, the mouse decided to look into the possibility of purchasing a home for itself. But, as a tiny rodent, it was overwhelmed with the task of finding a suitable home in Melbourne. It seemed almost impossible, especially considering how a mouse was likely to be discriminated against when buying a home.

That’s when the mouse decided to seek the help of a buyer’s agent. The mouse found an agent that specialised in finding homes for animals and would keep its identity anonymous throughout the process. His name was Peter, and he was a kind and compassionate agent who had helped many animals find their dream homes. Many considered him to be one of the best property advocates near Melbourne.

Peter listened intently to the mouse’s needs, carefully considering every detail. They talked about everything from the ideal location to the type of house, and Peter showed the mouse a range of properties that were suitable. Many of them were within the sights of another buyer’s advocate close to Brighton, so competition was tough.

Eventually, the mouse finally found a beautiful, cozy house in a quiet alleyway. It had a tiny garden, perfect for the mouse to play and forage, and was within close proximity to the café where it had lived previously. The mouse was thrilled with the find, and Peter negotiated with the seller to secure the property.

Finally, the house was theirs, and the mouse settled into its new home. It was a dream come true for the little rodent, who had always longed for a safe and comfortable place to live.

Big Boating Background

Recently, there has been quite a stir throughout the boating community, as leaks emerged that Sailors of the Coast would be revising their OBL (Open Boating License) that has been the foundation of the boating community for over twenty years now. Boaters across the globe are furious, although there has been no official word to suggest that these leaks are legitimate yet. If these leaks prove to be true, however, they will rock the foundations of the boating community forever.

To properly understand the situation, you have to go back all the way to the 1970s, before the famous boating manual, B&B (Buoys and Boats, not Bed and Breakfast), was purchased by Sailors of the Coast. Buoys and Boats was first published in 1974 by BSR (Boating Studies Rules), providing boating enthusiasts with detailed guidelines on how to make upgrades and adjustments to their boats. For example, the original Buoys and Boats manual provided clear instructions for boat owners who wished to get a boat catch installation for their favourite marine vehicle. With the B&B book becoming a worldwide phenomenon in only a couple of years, BSR soon released Advanced Bouys and Boats (also known as 2nd Edition B&B) in 1977. Across the globe, boaters were latching onto this new handbook, whether they needed a new snapper rack, a bait board or a Melbourne business for marine welding. Such was the popularity of B&B that it even inspired its own moral panic, with many believing it to be a recruitment tool for a dark secret society of boat lovers.

BSR knew that the strength of B&B lied in its passionate community and often encouraged fans to send in their own boating suggestions, which they featured in the monthly Yacht Magazine. However, the company also had a reputation for fiercely protecting its perceived rights, suing anybody who created B&B-adjacent content, particularly as the company saw a decline in profits in the early 1990s. When BSR faced bankruptcy later in the decade, they sold B&B to Sailors of the Coast, the current stewards of the handbook.

This article will be updated further as soon as its author has done more research on the topic…

Bad Breakdown Timing

I can’t believe I’m having car troubles again! This always seems to happen to me, no matter how much effort I put into looking after my car. It’s frankly getting ridiculous at this point. Now I’m sitting here in my broken-down car, waiting for the mobile mechanic to come and help me out. It’s such terrible timing, too! I was on my way to go see the latest superhero movie, Wasp Man, and this was my only chance to see it before it leaves the cinema! I have literally never missed a cinematic release of a superhero movie. At first, I considered walking to the cinema, but it’s a whole twenty minutes away, so that’s not going to happen.

Being stranded in Hawthorn is a bit of a strange experience. I figured there would be at least one Hawthorn-based car mechanic who could help me out today, but they’re all booked up. How frustrating! I don’t know what it is about Hawthorn and people needing auto repair here, but it seems like there’s a real correlation. And I know correlation doesn’t necessarily equal causation and whatnot, but it seems like more than just a coincidence when I can see two people with car issues further along the street.

Anyway, I called around and found a mechanic from Malvern East who was willing to make the long journey across two whole suburbs to save my bacon. My bacon being the only chance I have to see Wasp Man before it hits streaming services in like six weeks. If we can get this issue sorted out within the next half an hour, I might make it to the cinema before the ads are over. It’s a shame because I really do enjoy cinema ads – even the ones that advertise local businesses. That’s something about streaming movies six weeks after their cinematic release that really hurts the experience. You don’t get to see any ads for other movies, and you don’t get to support the local economy either. There’s just something special about going to the cinemas, so hopefully this mechanic can get my car sorted quickly.

Rich Glazier Opine

If I’ve learned anything over the years as a high-stakes financial advisor, it’s, uh… not much actually.

Turns out that the majority of my well-to-do clients were born into their money and did absolutely nothing to grow or even lose their vast wealth. They would pay me exorbitant sums to move their money around, but the truth of the matter is that I truly didn’t do very much – not that they would have ever noticed of course.

So I took their money and thanked them for it, typing up detailed explanations on expenditure and divestiture, none of which they read, and dutifully installed a brand new glass balustrade in my third home. 

I don’t know how they managed to pass the time, to be honest – I feel I’d get bored with nothing to do but spend my untold fortunes. But manage it, they do, ticking away the cents and the dollars as reliably as the sun sets and rises (although a private jet can outrun a sunset for a surprisingly long time). 

And now I’m retired, sitting in my beachfront chalet, sipping on hundred-year-old claret and thinking back on all the rich idiots I used to know. I once knew a woman who flew a man in from a small Mediterranean town just to consult on a glass repair in Melbourne – he didn’t even touch the thing, just leant over the actual glazier and occasionally grunted in approval!

It truly does baffle the mind.

My ex-wife called me recently from our timeshare – the yacht – telling me about a ridiculous billionaire that had just met up with her party and told her about his new business renting islands to wealthy tourists for the weekend. She laughed in his face, then snuck away to call her stockbroker and organise an island of her own. Lovely guy actually, he officiated my third and fifth weddings.

Anyway, the point is… what was the point? Eh, I guess it doesn’t matter. Ooh, my caviar is here!

Temple Office Design

The monk approached me with a knowing smile, bowing deeply as he stopped in front of my packed bags.

‘Master Li,’ I said with reverence, ensuring my returned bow was deeper still. He walked forward, placing his gentle hands on top of my suitcase and fixing me with a soft look.

‘It must be so?’ he asked, voice ringing through my small chambers like a bell. It struck me that it was one of only a handful of times where I had heard the man speak.

‘Yes,’ I said, solemnly. I had made no secret of my sadness at having to leave this place – its unique solitude and serenity, a meditative spirit that surged from every pore of the all-encompassing rock. ‘It is my time, I think.’

‘Your time?’ he said with an infectious chuckle. ‘So serious! Your time is your time, to do with as you desire. What is it that you desire, then?’

‘I have to return to Melbourne,’ I told him. ‘My calling awaits me.’

‘You arrived here without a calling, I remember,’ he said. ‘What has revealed itself to you?’

I leaned in close, fighting desperately to quell the un-monklike excitement that bubbled within me. ‘Office design,’ I whispered to my spiritual teacher.

‘Office… what?’ He frowned at me.

Melbourne office design,’ I said, a grin splitting my face. ‘It’s my passion. I understand that now.’

‘I’m afraid I… do not,’ he said, frown deepening on his normally-placid features. ‘How can this have struck you so?’

‘A dream, Master,’ I explained. ‘I had a dream.’

‘A dream?’

‘Yes!’ I exclaimed, all pretences of zen abandoned as I all but leapt onto my bed. ‘I had a vision of a life where I executed on office space design trends in Melbourne, and it was…’

My voice wavered slightly, my eyes growing misty.

‘It was nirvana, Master,’ I whispered. ‘A total and complete heaven, just for me.’

The man nodded slowly, his grin returning with practised ease.

‘This is what you wish?’ he asked me.

I nodded.

‘Ah,’ he said. ‘Then you are an idiot.’

And he left my room.

Planting Thornless Roses

‘Ouch!’ I cried out, jerking my hand away from the rose bush.

         ‘What is it?’ Amanda called out to me from where she was kneeling in the dirt.

         ‘Stupid rose!’ I shook my hand, then stuck my injured finger in my mouth. ‘It stuck me!’ I mumbled around the digit.

         ‘That bush?’ she asked, raising an eyebrow. ‘That one right there?’

         ‘Yes, the one coated with my blood.’ I frowned. ‘Why do I feel like you’re about to take the bush’s side?’

         ‘Because that’s a bush of thornless roses,’ she chuckled. ‘You may be the only person I know who could stick themselves on a thorn that doesn’t exist.’

         ‘You think I’m lying?’

         ‘No,’ she shook her head. ‘But I do think you somehow manifested a thorn into being.’

         ‘Why would I—’

         ‘Oh, relax,’ she laughed again. ‘I’m just teasing you.’

         ‘Oh.’ I frowned. ‘Good. I knew thornless roses weren’t a real thing.’

         ‘No, they definitely are. Wait, you thought I was lying?’

         ‘You seriously know where to buy thornless roses?’ I asked, awestruck. ‘I thought they were a myth, like unicorns or pomegranates.’

         ‘So much to unpack there.’ Amanda shook her head. ‘How’s your finger?’

         ‘Painful,’ I said, obstinately. ‘But I think I’ll live.’

         ‘Unless it gets infected,’ she noted. ‘You’re too stubborn for antibiotics.’

         I narrowed my eyes at her.

         ‘You know how I wanted to take up gardening with you? Get some sun, spend some time together, maybe buy David Austin roses and plant them outside our window?’

         ‘Yeah?’ she said.

         ‘It was a nice idea,’ I hissed, dropping my trowel in the dirt and standing up.

         ‘Oh, don’t be such a baby,’ she laughed. ‘Come back here and let’s finish off this bush!’

         ‘Nope.’ I brushed stray dirt off my pants. ‘Not interested! Gardening is not fun!’

         ‘It is if you let it be.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘You have to give it a chance!’

         I took a deep breath and thought about what she was saying. Maybe I had been too hasty. Maybe I should give gardening another—

         ‘Oh god, a bee!’ Amanda cried out, barrelling past me to get inside.

Renovation Unobtainable

They didn’t quite make it out of the Renovation Kingdom before sundown, so Princess Plum gave the Fellowship permission to set up camp again. They’d decided to head toward the Conveyancing Kingdom next, as the trail of destruction appeared to go that way, although it was hard to be certain of that. Although the princess had always loved the Renovation Kingdom with its brilliant kitchen designers, she had never held such fondness for the Conveyancing Kingdom. 

She knew that the Conveyancing Kingdom had an essential role in keeping the Power Star Lands functional, but a kingdom full of people who handled the legal side of property sale was something she simply found boring. Frankly, she wasn’t sure why the Power Star Lands needed so many conveyancers at all. Surely a handful of them would do. A whole kingdom seemed like it was a bit overboard, in her opinion. With a few drinks in her system, Princess Plum might even confess to herself that the entire property system in these lands seemed completely broken. Property went to the highest bidder, but wasn’t housing a right? In fact, her father had passed several laws that made homelessness illegal, and yet the system meant that many people in the Power Star Lands were beholden to their landlords, since they couldn’t afford a house for themselves.

Princess Plum felt bad for the people who were forced to rent their home throughout the numerous kingdoms. Many of her poor mushroom subjects didn’t even have the option to hire designers for kitchen renovations near Melbourne, who could travel to the Fungus Kingdom and upgrade their mushroom homes with a new shower or oven. She wished she could do something about it, but she was only the sovereign ruler of the Fungus Kingdom. What power did she have to overhaul the entire housing system? No, it was just too bad.

That unfortunate truth meant she wasn’t really looking forward to setting foot in the Conveyancing Kingdom. It would just make her sad that many people were forced to choose between illegal homelessness or dedicating large parts of their income to paying off someone else’s mortgage. If only they could have lived in a giant castle like she did.

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