Plumb and Plumber

As the last of the Mushroom Rangers to be involved in Red Mushroom Man’s plan to uplift the spirits of his friend Marion, and given how that plan had been derailed by Princess Plum’s intention to join the quest, I knew it was my job to make sure everything went ahead smoothly.

I waited nervously in the throne room, while Green Mushroom Man attended to the princess’s every need. Usually, Princess Plum was dressed in a deep red dress that complemented her pale skin and gold crown. Today, however, she wore a much more practical outfit that included tall boots, black trousers and a maroon and gold leather jacket.

Finally, the doors to the throne room swung open. Marion the plumber entered the room, escorted by Pink Mushroom Girl. His red and blue jumpsuit seemed to capture the light that shone through the windows, giving him an odd, heroic aura. Red Mushroom Man had claimed Marion was the best plumber for blocked drains. Fairfield, Toorak, Prahran – it didn’t matter which. If there was a suburb with drain problems, Marion the plumber was there to save the day. From the shine of his boots to the sparkle in his blue eyes, I believed it with every fibre of my mushroom body.

Marion knelt down before the princess and bowed his head. “Princess Plum, I am honoured to be here before you. Pink Mushroom Girl has told me many tales of your excellence. She has also informed me of your giant, fire-breathing turtle problem. Please, allow me to be of assistance. I once completed a drain unblocking around Essendon so horrible that this will be a mere walk in the park.”

“I do not doubt your bravery, nor your skill, plumber Marion,” said the princess. “However, the time of the Fungus Kingdom relying on plumbers to do our dirty work is over. This task is mine to complete. That said, you are welcome to join me, if you wish.”

Marion raised his head, looking the princess in the eyes. “Then join you I will.”

The princess grinned. “Let us be Plum and plumber together, then. Trowser won’t even know what hit him.”

– Yellow Mushroom Man

Jane’s Advocate

Once upon a time, there was a young woman who worked in the hospitality industry, named Jane. Jane had always dreamed of owning a home in her beloved city of Melbourne, where she had grown up. For years and years, she saved up every spare coin she could find, until eventually, she was in a position to begin the search for her dream property.

It wasn’t long before Jane realised that Melbourne’s property market was extremely competitive. With her tight budget, she struggled to find a house that she would be able to make her forever home. Feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, Jane met with a friend who had recently been through the same thing. Her friend told her about the power of having a buyer’s advocate from the Melbourne area on your side.

Jane was hesitant at first but decided to give it a try. She met with her friend’s recommended buyer’s agent, Samantha. Together, they began an epic journey to find Jane’s dream home. Jane quickly realised what an asset Samatha was; she had an outstanding knowledge of Melbourne’s property market, found unlisted properties Jane never would have come across on her own and helped Jane understand all the legal aspects of buying property.

After weeks of searching with the help of her buyer’s advocate, Malvern turned out to be the suburb with the perfect property for Jane. She couldn’t believe it! The property was within her price range and had all of the features she wanted. Samatha helped Jane make a strong offer, and soon enough the house was hers.

Jane couldn’t believe how smoothly things had gone once she turned to a buyer’s agent. She truly couldn’t have done it without Samantha’s expertise and guidance. 

For the rest of her days, Jane lived happily in her dream home. The neighbourhood was truly amazing, and the city was only a short distance away. Whenever she met somebody struggling to find a home, the first thing she did was suggest they get a buyer’s advocate, because she had experienced their magic firsthand all those years ago.

Molly’s Rose Adventure

‘Ooh, what are those?’ Molly asked, bounding away from us and towards a wild flower patch.

         ‘Not too far, please,’ Gemma called after her, in that unholy mix of gentle and stern that I’d never been able to master.

         ‘Reckon she’ll bring back some berries?’ I asked. ‘Our little forager.’

         ‘I hope not,’ Gemma frowned. ‘Then she’ll get a taste for it. We’ll have to find out where to buy seeds online.’

         ‘We should probably stop for lunch soon,’ I noted, the picnic basket nestled on my shoulders.

         ‘Is the cheese getting too heavy, dear?’ Gemma teased me.

         ‘Yes, actually!’ I grinned back. ‘And don’t get me started on the biscuits—’

         ‘Where did Molly go?’ Gemma suddenly snapped to alert, glancing around the park. We were completely alone, nobody else around us – and no sign of Molly.             

         ‘Molly?’ I called out, in the general direction of the bush she’d been heading towards. ‘Molly, where are you?’

         After a short, heart-stopping wait, her little head popped up from behind the bush.

         ‘Yeah?’ she called back to us.

         Gemma and I both sighed, deeply and in unison.

         ‘Lunchtime, honey,’ Gemma told her. ‘From now on,’ she whispered to me out of the side of her mouth, ‘that girl only explores standard roses, near me. None of those interesting varieties.’

         ‘Good call,’ I nodded.

         ‘You two are weird,’ Molly rolled her eyes as she trudged towards us.

         ‘“Weird” is what boring people call interesting people,’ Gemma told her, as I unfurled the picnic blanket.

         ‘Oh god, do we have a boring child?’ I asked her.

         ‘No!’ Molly protested. ‘I’m not boring!’

         ‘But, then that would make you…’ I frowned like I was in a pantomime.

         ‘You have to say it, honey,’ Gemma said to Molly, as she laid out the plates, ‘or he’ll never take that look off his face.’

         ‘I’m weird,’ the little girl huffed.

         ‘Thank you,’ I nodded solemnly. ‘Now come get some cheese before your mother eats it all.’

Brain Jar Balustrade

How long, forsooth, does thou perceive this piece of string?

You cannot see the piece of string, you say? Does this matter in such things? Perception is, of course, in the eye of the beholder, ‘twixt a cosmic dance of known and unknown, the felt and the real. 

For what is the real? Can anything be real? I think, therefore I am… but what is it to think? To actually experience one’s thoughts, in chronological or fluid time? Pray, the brain in the jar – does he not think? Is he am? Of course, so goes the common thread. But what of the simple, affordable glazier near Melbourne? Could he build such a jar? Why would he do such a thing?

The maintenance of brains and jars is a fraught issue, that has caused many a philosophical row in the distant future – indeed, not far from the very spot where you are reading this today. Melbourne sheds its name, as do all things who live long enough to watch themselves die. An idea, however… and idea can never die. It can be moulded, twisted, forgotten and lost – but death? Death is as foreign to an idea as life is to a memory. 

Understood, replicated… but never approached.

Return, then, to our glazier, hard at work on an affordable stair balustrade repair, renovation, revivification. But isn’t he imaginary, to you? Real as he may be, somewhere, you have never laid thought on him – how so is he touchable? Provable.

Alive?

Such conversations are meaningless, of course, lacking in course and destination; but that doesn’t mean they’re useless. Why, the two terms are interlinked, inextricable, intertwined but… so distant. Never to touch. For if they were to touch, they would surely no longer be; separate.

And so too must we separate. The time for lurid words is behind and ahead, but here no longer. I leave you with but one thought:

Do you know anywhere to find an affordable glazier in Melbourne?

Think on it a while.

Melbourne Office Desperation

I clung, quivering, to the outside of the glass, cursing myself for being so stupid. What did I think was going to happen if I attempted this heist by myself? It was risky and dangerous – and that was before my harness had snapped, sending my anchor rope tumbling a hundred feet to the ground below.

And left me clinging to the outside of a skyscraper with nothing but some suction cups and a less-than-healthy hyperventilation habit.

I pressed myself against the cold glass, as the wind began to buffet me in earnest, as if it knew I wasn’t supported anymore and was striking for its chance at taking me. I could picture it so clearly, my ragdoll body twisting in the air as I plummeted towards the—

No, I snapped my brain back into focus, forcing myself to look inside the office I’d been about to rob. Concentrate on the inside, not the outside.

It was a lovely commercial office design, for Melbourne at least. I’d seen nicer designs in some of the European capitals, but Melbourne had a certain charm, with its insistence on glass and wood.

Nerves momentarily under my control again, I reached into my back pocket for the cutting implement I’d been storing there. I’d meant to use it on a window three stories up – my actual target – but I figured all of the glass was probably the same thickness.

Well… prayed it was the same thickness.

I found the implement, pressing it against the window firmly and scraping it to make a hole that was roughly me-shaped. The Melbourne office fitout trends were on my side for this one – there was nothing pressed directly against the window – just a clear shot between me and some patterned carpet.

I continued to cut and twist, forcing myself to exact precise lines – the sloppiness that my rattled brain and body demanded of me would only ensure I never made it inside. Precision was the key. Precision was the—

With a crash, the glass gave way, and it shrieked as I tumbled inside.

Safe.

Representative Renovation

“So, why did you decide to help us stop Trowser?” Princess Plum asked Marion as they headed toward the Cloud Kingdom. “We could do it on our own.”

“Truthfully, things have been such a mess in the normal world that I just needed a break. An adventure to stop a giant turtle monster seemed like the perfect cure for my dull life.”

Princess Plum nodded. “I see. And you have never visited the Power Star Lands before? What do you think of our kingdoms?”

“Very impressive,” said Marion. “Although I do wish I had gotten to see the Renovation Kingdom before its destruction. If I hadn’t been a plumber, I think I would have gotten into the kitchen renovation business. I must say, though, have you ever considered transitioning your kingdom over to a representative democracy? Kingdoms are so out of touch these days.”

“Representative democracy?” Princess Plum said.

“Yeah, it’s a form of government where people vote for someone to represent their interests in parliament, where all the decisions are made. Indirectly, the people vote for a president to be in charge of the country.”

“So people would vote for me to be their ruler, and instead of being a princess, I would be a president?”

“Well, not necessarily,” said Marion. “You wouldn’t be the ruler at all unless you had a campaign to be elected as one of these representatives in parliament. Maybe if you were popular enough, you could lead the parliament as the country’s president. Running on a platform of helping the best kitchen designers close to Melbourne rebuild their homes would be a good start.”

“But what if the people don’t vote for me? How do I continue to be the ruler of my country?”

Marion chuckled. “That’s the neat thing. You don’t.”

“I don’t? But I was born to rule the Fungus Kingdom.”

“Nobody should be born to rule anything,” Marion said. “Sure, you might be a good ruler that cares about the people, but what if the next ruler of the Fungus Kingdom isn’t so kind? How would that be fair to the mushroom people?”

Princess Plum didn’t have an answer to that.

Don’t Fear Plumbers

My minions have been doing an excellent job spying on the Fungus Kingdom, lately. In fact, they have even picked up some intel that suggests Princess Plum has formed an alliance with a lowly plumber from Melbourne. Well, I don’t care how many blocked drains in the Camberwell area this guy has dealt with – he’s no match for me! I’ll tear him limb from limb without breaking a sweat, and then I’ll deal with that Princess Plum. 

Seriously, who do they think they are, trying to stop me? I’ve got an army of turtles, corrupted mushroom guys, skeleton turtles, evil plants and flying turtles. Okay, it’s a lot of turtles, I know, but I am the turtle king! If Princess Plum and this plumber are going to get in my way, they’ll need more than a few power-ups and extra lives. Sure, my ancestors have always been stopped by someone from a Melbourne business for blocked drains, but that won’t be the case this time. 

You know why? I have no reason to fear this plumber because I already know all the secrets of his trade. Years ago, I captured a Melbourne drain professional, knowing this very day would come. While in my dungeons, Lui G has been more than cooperative in teaching me how to defeat the more powerful plumbers who might get in my way someday. As for the princess, she has absolutely no experience going on quests to save her kingdom, so I’m not the slightest bit concerned about her.

The great thing about having my own personal plumber captive in the dungeons of my floating lava island castle is that whenever I do have a plumbing issue, such as a blocked sewer, I can just get him to take a look at it. My minions are constantly putting things down the drain that aren’t supposed to go there. It can get pretty frustrating, but as long as I have Lui G around, it’s not a huge problem.

Anyway, it’s probably time I go frighten some penguins and steal their power stars.

– Trowser

Trustworthy Mechanic

My car has been making the most bizarre noises for quite some time now. I’m definitely no car expert, so I knew it was time to take it to the mechanic. I wouldn’t be able to guess what was wrong even if I tried. My husband, however, thought he’d be able to guess the problem within an instant. Long story short, he spent three hours outside and came to no conclusion. He’s no car expert but he’s a typical man who thinks he can fix any problem. I let him have his moment.

Unfortunately, as my husband and I are rather new to the area, we struggled to find a trustworthy Milperra mechanic. Luckily, my neighbour was aware of our car troubles and had a few workshops they could recommend.

We’ve never had any major issues with this car before. Something in me was very worried that this was going to be a big issue. We’d driven hours to move to the area, and perhaps this had worn the car out. 

I was greeted by a friendly mechanic who introduced himself as Steve. He asked me what the issues were and I did my best to describe what I had been experiencing. My main concern was the loud noises and the difficulty I was having with the clutch.

Steve nodded and told me he had a feeling that these were signs to get a brake and clutch repair. I felt sick to my stomach. A brake and clutch repair? That sounded expensive! We’d only just moved to the area and moving had been a very costly process. We didn’t have money to suddenly fork out on cars, but we knew we had to. Steve must’ve seen the look of panic on my face because he was very quick to start reassuring me that his team takes time to get the job done to a high standard.

I guess the bigger picture is that it’s only a brake and clutch repair. It’s not like I need to buy a whole new car.

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