February 2023 – Page 2 – The Bird Motel

Rich Glazier Opine

If I’ve learned anything over the years as a high-stakes financial advisor, it’s, uh… not much actually.

Turns out that the majority of my well-to-do clients were born into their money and did absolutely nothing to grow or even lose their vast wealth. They would pay me exorbitant sums to move their money around, but the truth of the matter is that I truly didn’t do very much – not that they would have ever noticed of course.

So I took their money and thanked them for it, typing up detailed explanations on expenditure and divestiture, none of which they read, and dutifully installed a brand new glass balustrade in my third home.

I don’t know how they managed to pass the time, to be honest – I feel I’d get bored with nothing to do but spend my untold fortunes. But manage it, they do, ticking away the cents and the dollars as reliably as the sun sets and rises (although a private jet can outrun a sunset for a surprisingly long time).

And now I’m retired, sitting in my beachfront chalet, sipping on hundred-year-old claret and thinking back on all the rich idiots I used to know. I once knew a woman who flew a man in from a small Mediterranean town just to consult on a glass repair in Melbourne – he didn’t even touch the thing, just leant over the actual glazier and occasionally grunted in approval!

It truly does baffle the mind.

My ex-wife called me recently from our timeshare – the yacht – telling me about a ridiculous billionaire that had just met up with her party and told her about his new business renting islands to wealthy tourists for the weekend. She laughed in his face, then snuck away to call her stockbroker and organise an island of her own. Lovely guy actually, he officiated my third and fifth weddings.

Anyway, the point is… what was the point? Eh, I guess it doesn’t matter. Ooh, my caviar is here!

Temple Office Design

The monk approached me with a knowing smile, bowing deeply as he stopped in front of my packed bags.

‘Master Li,’ I said with reverence, ensuring my returned bow was deeper still. He walked forward, placing his gentle hands on top of my suitcase and fixing me with a soft look.

‘It must be so?’ he asked, voice ringing through my small chambers like a bell. It struck me that it was one of only a handful of times where I had heard the man speak.

‘Yes,’ I said, solemnly. I had made no secret of my sadness at having to leave this place – its unique solitude and serenity, a meditative spirit that surged from every pore of the all-encompassing rock. ‘It is my time, I think.’

‘Your time?’ he said with an infectious chuckle. ‘So serious! Your time is your time, to do with as you desire. What is it that you desire, then?’

‘I have to return to Melbourne,’ I told him. ‘My calling awaits me.’

‘You arrived here without a calling, I remember,’ he said. ‘What has revealed itself to you?’

I leaned in close, fighting desperately to quell the un-monklike excitement that bubbled within me. ‘Office design,’ I whispered to my spiritual teacher.

‘Office… what?’ He frowned at me.

‘Melbourne office design,’ I said, a grin splitting my face. ‘It’s my passion. I understand that now.’

‘I’m afraid I… do not,’ he said, frown deepening on his normally-placid features. ‘How can this have struck you so?’

‘A dream, Master,’ I explained. ‘I had a dream.’

‘A dream?’

‘Yes!’ I exclaimed, all pretences of zen abandoned as I all but leapt onto my bed. ‘I had a vision of a life where I executed on office space design trends in Melbourne, and it was…’

My voice wavered slightly, my eyes growing misty.

‘It was nirvana, Master,’ I whispered. ‘A total and complete heaven, just for me.’

The man nodded slowly, his grin returning with practised ease.

‘This is what you wish?’ he asked me.

I nodded.

‘Ah,’ he said. ‘Then you are an idiot.’

And he left my room.

Planting Thornless Roses

‘Ouch!’ I cried out, jerking my hand away from the rose bush.

‘What is it?’ Amanda called out to me from where she was kneeling in the dirt.

‘Stupid rose!’ I shook my hand, then stuck my injured finger in my mouth. ‘It stuck me!’ I mumbled around the digit.

‘That bush?’ she asked, raising an eyebrow. ‘That one right there?’

‘Yes, the one coated with my blood.’ I frowned. ‘Why do I feel like you’re about to take the bush’s side?’

‘Because that’s a bush of thornless roses,’ she chuckled. ‘You may be the only person I know who could stick themselves on a thorn that doesn’t exist.’

‘You think I’m lying?’

‘No,’ she shook her head. ‘But I do think you somehow manifested a thorn into being.’

‘Why would I—’

‘Oh, relax,’ she laughed again. ‘I’m just teasing you.’

‘Oh.’ I frowned. ‘Good. I knew thornless roses weren’t a real thing.’

‘No, they definitely are. Wait, you thought I was lying?’

‘You seriously know where to buy thornless roses?’ I asked, awestruck. ‘I thought they were a myth, like unicorns or pomegranates.’

‘So much to unpack there.’ Amanda shook her head. ‘How’s your finger?’

‘Painful,’ I said, obstinately. ‘But I think I’ll live.’

‘Unless it gets infected,’ she noted. ‘You’re too stubborn for antibiotics.’

I narrowed my eyes at her.

‘You know how I wanted to take up gardening with you? Get some sun, spend some time together, maybe buy David Austin roses and plant them outside our window?’

‘Yeah?’ she said.

‘It was a nice idea,’ I hissed, dropping my trowel in the dirt and standing up.

‘Oh, don’t be such a baby,’ she laughed. ‘Come back here and let’s finish off this bush!’

‘Nope.’ I brushed stray dirt off my pants. ‘Not interested! Gardening is not fun!’

‘It is if you let it be.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘You have to give it a chance!’

I took a deep breath and thought about what she was saying. Maybe I had been too hasty. Maybe I should give gardening another—

‘Oh god, a bee!’ Amanda cried out, barrelling past me to get inside.

Renovation Unobtainable

They didn’t quite make it out of the Renovation Kingdom before sundown, so Princess Plum gave the Fellowship permission to set up camp again. They’d decided to head toward the Conveyancing Kingdom next, as the trail of destruction appeared to go that way, although it was hard to be certain of that. Although the princess had always loved the Renovation Kingdom with its brilliant kitchen designers, she had never held such fondness for the Conveyancing Kingdom.

She knew that the Conveyancing Kingdom had an essential role in keeping the Power Star Lands functional, but a kingdom full of people who handled the legal side of property sale was something she simply found boring. Frankly, she wasn’t sure why the Power Star Lands needed so many conveyancers at all. Surely a handful of them would do. A whole kingdom seemed like it was a bit overboard, in her opinion. With a few drinks in her system, Princess Plum might even confess to herself that the entire property system in these lands seemed completely broken. Property went to the highest bidder, but wasn’t housing a right? In fact, her father had passed several laws that made homelessness illegal, and yet the system meant that many people in the Power Star Lands were beholden to their landlords, since they couldn’t afford a house for themselves.

Princess Plum felt bad for the people who were forced to rent their home throughout the numerous kingdoms. Many of her poor mushroom subjects didn’t even have the option to hire designers for kitchen renovations near Melbourne, who could travel to the Fungus Kingdom and upgrade their mushroom homes with a new shower or oven. She wished she could do something about it, but she was only the sovereign ruler of the Fungus Kingdom. What power did she have to overhaul the entire housing system? No, it was just too bad.

That unfortunate truth meant she wasn’t really looking forward to setting foot in the Conveyancing Kingdom. It would just make her sad that many people were forced to choose between illegal homelessness or dedicating large parts of their income to paying off someone else’s mortgage. If only they could have lived in a giant castle like she did.

Plumb and Plumber

As the last of the Mushroom Rangers to be involved in Red Mushroom Man’s plan to uplift the spirits of his friend Marion, and given how that plan had been derailed by Princess Plum’s intention to join the quest, I knew it was my job to make sure everything went ahead smoothly.

I waited nervously in the throne room, while Green Mushroom Man attended to the princess’s every need. Usually, Princess Plum was dressed in a deep red dress that complemented her pale skin and gold crown. Today, however, she wore a much more practical outfit that included tall boots, black trousers and a maroon and gold leather jacket.

Finally, the doors to the throne room swung open. Marion the plumber entered the room, escorted by Pink Mushroom Girl. His red and blue jumpsuit seemed to capture the light that shone through the windows, giving him an odd, heroic aura. Red Mushroom Man had claimed Marion was the best plumber for blocked drains. Fairfield, Toorak, Prahran – it didn’t matter which. If there was a suburb with drain problems, Marion the plumber was there to save the day. From the shine of his boots to the sparkle in his blue eyes, I believed it with every fibre of my mushroom body.

Marion knelt down before the princess and bowed his head. “Princess Plum, I am honoured to be here before you. Pink Mushroom Girl has told me many tales of your excellence. She has also informed me of your giant, fire-breathing turtle problem. Please, allow me to be of assistance. I once completed a drain unblocking around Essendon so horrible that this will be a mere walk in the park.”

“I do not doubt your bravery, nor your skill, plumber Marion,” said the princess. “However, the time of the Fungus Kingdom relying on plumbers to do our dirty work is over. This task is mine to complete. That said, you are welcome to join me, if you wish.”

Marion raised his head, looking the princess in the eyes. “Then join you I will.”

The princess grinned. “Let us be Plum and plumber together, then. Trowser won’t even know what hit him.”

– Yellow Mushroom Man

Jane’s Advocate

Once upon a time, there was a young woman who worked in the hospitality industry, named Jane. Jane had always dreamed of owning a home in her beloved city of Melbourne, where she had grown up. For years and years, she saved up every spare coin she could find, until eventually, she was in a position to begin the search for her dream property.

It wasn’t long before Jane realised that Melbourne’s property market was extremely competitive. With her tight budget, she struggled to find a house that she would be able to make her forever home. Feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, Jane met with a friend who had recently been through the same thing. Her friend told her about the power of having a buyer’s advocate from the Melbourne area on your side.

Jane was hesitant at first but decided to give it a try. She met with her friend’s recommended buyer’s agent, Samantha. Together, they began an epic journey to find Jane’s dream home. Jane quickly realised what an asset Samatha was; she had an outstanding knowledge of Melbourne’s property market, found unlisted properties Jane never would have come across on her own and helped Jane understand all the legal aspects of buying property.

After weeks of searching with the help of her buyer’s advocate, Malvern turned out to be the suburb with the perfect property for Jane. She couldn’t believe it! The property was within her price range and had all of the features she wanted. Samatha helped Jane make a strong offer, and soon enough the house was hers.

Jane couldn’t believe how smoothly things had gone once she turned to a buyer’s agent. She truly couldn’t have done it without Samantha’s expertise and guidance.

For the rest of her days, Jane lived happily in her dream home. The neighbourhood was truly amazing, and the city was only a short distance away. Whenever she met somebody struggling to find a home, the first thing she did was suggest they get a buyer’s advocate, because she had experienced their magic firsthand all those years ago.

Molly’s Rose Adventure

‘Ooh, what are those?’ Molly asked, bounding away from us and towards a wild flower patch.

‘Not too far, please,’ Gemma called after her, in that unholy mix of gentle and stern that I’d never been able to master.

‘Reckon she’ll bring back some berries?’ I asked. ‘Our little forager.’

‘I hope not,’ Gemma frowned. ‘Then she’ll get a taste for it. We’ll have to find out where to buy seeds online.’

‘We should probably stop for lunch soon,’ I noted, the picnic basket nestled on my shoulders.

‘Is the cheese getting too heavy, dear?’ Gemma teased me.

‘Yes, actually!’ I grinned back. ‘And don’t get me started on the biscuits—’

‘Where did Molly go?’ Gemma suddenly snapped to alert, glancing around the park. We were completely alone, nobody else around us – and no sign of Molly.

‘Molly?’ I called out, in the general direction of the bush she’d been heading towards. ‘Molly, where are you?’

After a short, heart-stopping wait, her little head popped up from behind the bush.

‘Yeah?’ she called back to us.

Gemma and I both sighed, deeply and in unison.

‘Lunchtime, honey,’ Gemma told her. ‘From now on,’ she whispered to me out of the side of her mouth, ‘that girl only explores standard roses, near me. None of those interesting varieties.’

‘Good call,’ I nodded.

‘You two are weird,’ Molly rolled her eyes as she trudged towards us.

‘“Weird” is what boring people call interesting people,’ Gemma told her, as I unfurled the picnic blanket.

‘Oh god, do we have a boring child?’ I asked her.

‘No!’ Molly protested. ‘I’m not boring!’

‘But, then that would make you…’ I frowned like I was in a pantomime.

‘You have to say it, honey,’ Gemma said to Molly, as she laid out the plates, ‘or he’ll never take that look off his face.’

‘I’m weird,’ the little girl huffed.

‘Thank you,’ I nodded solemnly. ‘Now come get some cheese before your mother eats it all.’

Brain Jar Balustrade

How long, forsooth, does thou perceive this piece of string?

You cannot see the piece of string, you say? Does this matter in such things? Perception is, of course, in the eye of the beholder, ‘twixt a cosmic dance of known and unknown, the felt and the real.

For what is the real? Can anything be real? I think, therefore I am… but what is it to think? To actually experience one’s thoughts, in chronological or fluid time? Pray, the brain in the jar – does he not think? Is he am? Of course, so goes the common thread. But what of the simple, affordable glazier near Melbourne? Could he build such a jar? Why would he do such a thing?

The maintenance of brains and jars is a fraught issue, that has caused many a philosophical row in the distant future – indeed, not far from the very spot where you are reading this today. Melbourne sheds its name, as do all things who live long enough to watch themselves die. An idea, however… and idea can never die. It can be moulded, twisted, forgotten and lost – but death? Death is as foreign to an idea as life is to a memory.

Understood, replicated… but never approached.

Return, then, to our glazier, hard at work on an affordable stair balustrade repair, renovation, revivification. But isn’t he imaginary, to you? Real as he may be, somewhere, you have never laid thought on him – how so is he touchable? Provable.

Alive?

Such conversations are meaningless, of course, lacking in course and destination; but that doesn’t mean they’re useless. Why, the two terms are interlinked, inextricable, intertwined but… so distant. Never to touch. For if they were to touch, they would surely no longer be; separate.

And so too must we separate. The time for lurid words is behind and ahead, but here no longer. I leave you with but one thought:

Do you know anywhere to find an affordable glazier in Melbourne?

Think on it a while.

Melbourne Office Desperation

I clung, quivering, to the outside of the glass, cursing myself for being so stupid. What did I think was going to happen if I attempted this heist by myself? It was risky and dangerous – and that was before my harness had snapped, sending my anchor rope tumbling a hundred feet to the ground below.

And left me clinging to the outside of a skyscraper with nothing but some suction cups and a less-than-healthy hyperventilation habit.

I pressed myself against the cold glass, as the wind began to buffet me in earnest, as if it knew I wasn’t supported anymore and was striking for its chance at taking me. I could picture it so clearly, my ragdoll body twisting in the air as I plummeted towards the—

No, I snapped my brain back into focus, forcing myself to look inside the office I’d been about to rob. Concentrate on the inside, not the outside.

It was a lovely commercial office design, for Melbourne at least. I’d seen nicer designs in some of the European capitals, but Melbourne had a certain charm, with its insistence on glass and wood.

Nerves momentarily under my control again, I reached into my back pocket for the cutting implement I’d been storing there. I’d meant to use it on a window three stories up – my actual target – but I figured all of the glass was probably the same thickness.

Well… prayed it was the same thickness.

I found the implement, pressing it against the window firmly and scraping it to make a hole that was roughly me-shaped. The Melbourne office fitout trends were on my side for this one – there was nothing pressed directly against the window – just a clear shot between me and some patterned carpet.

I continued to cut and twist, forcing myself to exact precise lines – the sloppiness that my rattled brain and body demanded of me would only ensure I never made it inside. Precision was the key. Precision was the—

With a crash, the glass gave way, and it shrieked as I tumbled inside.

Safe.

Representative Renovation

“So, why did you decide to help us stop Trowser?” Princess Plum asked Marion as they headed toward the Cloud Kingdom. “We could do it on our own.”

“Truthfully, things have been such a mess in the normal world that I just needed a break. An adventure to stop a giant turtle monster seemed like the perfect cure for my dull life.”

Princess Plum nodded. “I see. And you have never visited the Power Star Lands before? What do you think of our kingdoms?”

“Very impressive,” said Marion. “Although I do wish I had gotten to see the Renovation Kingdom before its destruction. If I hadn’t been a plumber, I think I would have gotten into the kitchen renovation business. I must say, though, have you ever considered transitioning your kingdom over to a representative democracy? Kingdoms are so out of touch these days.”

“Representative democracy?” Princess Plum said.

“Yeah, it’s a form of government where people vote for someone to represent their interests in parliament, where all the decisions are made. Indirectly, the people vote for a president to be in charge of the country.”

“So people would vote for me to be their ruler, and instead of being a princess, I would be a president?”

“Well, not necessarily,” said Marion. “You wouldn’t be the ruler at all unless you had a campaign to be elected as one of these representatives in parliament. Maybe if you were popular enough, you could lead the parliament as the country’s president. Running on a platform of helping the best kitchen designers close to Melbourne rebuild their homes would be a good start.”

“But what if the people don’t vote for me? How do I continue to be the ruler of my country?”

Marion chuckled. “That’s the neat thing. You don’t.”

“I don’t? But I was born to rule the Fungus Kingdom.”

“Nobody should be born to rule anything,” Marion said. “Sure, you might be a good ruler that cares about the people, but what if the next ruler of the Fungus Kingdom isn’t so kind? How would that be fair to the mushroom people?”

Princess Plum didn’t have an answer to that.